Wedding Wednesday: Week 3: Unconventional

Welcome back to Wedding Wednesday! Today's post is going to be a bit more personal. If you follow me on instagram, you'll know that this hasn't been the best of weeks for me... and honestly the reason for the somber tone is also the reason I am what most would call an "unconventional" bride. 

Yesterday marked four years of life without my Mom. She passed away March 18, 2010... just when I was wrapping up the last of my college courses. To say it happened at the worst possible time would be an understatement, but there isn't really a "convenient" time for things like that is there? 

I'm not going to go and write you a novel with the entire backstory, but I feel like it is necessary to know that things were not great in our relationship when she passed. Actually much worse than "not great". That made it all the more terrible. 

Thinking that she left this world without really knowing how much I loved her breaks my heart everyday, but right now especially... since I wish so badly that she could be here through this planning process. 

I've had to make a lot of changes to the "normal" planning process to make things a little easier on myself emotionally. First, for the actual wedding... we will not be having many guests.... for a number of reasons: the largest being that I can foresee a complete emotional breakdown if I had more people there than I could handle. I will already be seeing many family members for the first time since Mom's funeral and I know that will bring up some old memories... I can only imagine how that would be amplified if I added more people into the mix. 

I am already a serious cryer... I cry over the littlest things... I don't really want our wedding photos to be made up of 90% raccoon eye Lacey and 10% "I look like a bride" Lacey. I also get slightly overwhelmed when I am in large groups of people during important moments... hence my sob-stricken maid of honor speech at my best friends wedding... I can't help it! Serious moments + emotions of any sort = enough tears to fill the ocean. 

Another change I've made... I bought my wedding dress all by myself. No one was there with me... I'm sure that sounds like the weirdest thing you have ever heard, but I really couldn't handle the thought of myself in a bridal shop crying because I wanted my Mom to be there... that doesn't sound at all like a good time I want to remember. 

I did have that "this is it" moment when Luke's Mom and my two best friends went with me to the first fitting. It was much more low key and a very happy day for me... much more memory worthy. 

I've fought with the idea of sharing this for quite some time... because it is such a large part of my story, but also something very personal for me. I finally realized it was time to share when I started to really be affected by the absence of my Mom and the near approaching date of our wedding this past week. 

I've literally done nothing but work and sleep. (repeat for about a week). Please note: 1. that is so not healthy & 2. I know I'm not alone. That's the reason for sharing.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

When I talk with others about losing my Mom at such a young age, I am always so surprised by the number of people who have also gone through the same thing. Knowing that means that there are other girls out there missing their Mom's through this process just like me. 

I want to know how others cope... and also how your loved ones will be included. For me: I can't have a podium off to the side with a burning candle and picture of her... I WILL lose it, trust me! I do want her to be recognized though. My worst nightmare is feeling like this day went on like she never existed. I'm thinking of sharing a reading from one of her favorite poems (she was crazy deep) or dedicating scripture to her in the ceremony. (thoughts??)

Thank you for letting me share my story with you and for your support and understanding! I appreciate it so much. I hope this gives more insight to our planning process and reasons behind our adjustments. 

I will share more updates on this in the coming weeks. We are approaching the two month mark and have so so much to do! 

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XO-L